Silver bullets are to werewolves what Kryptonite is to Superman, Haagen Daz to Marlon Brando, or Movember to the moustached man's sense of self respect. It’s a one way ticket to toe-tag town for a wolfman… if your aim is straight.
… Your loved one reveals himself to be suffering from a nasty case of lycanthropy. It’s a tragic end, yes, but if you don’t kill him your community will be left in tatters. Moral quandary? Grow up and cock it!
The Good Book is a great defence against the forces of darkness, a holy cross even more so. Just watch where you wave this apparatus; vicious mobs of atheists swarm at the sight of such tools.
...Too many occasions to mention, it’s always good to have one or other of these biblical bad boys on your body. And remember- God is Good (for killing demons).
3. A whip-smart scientific brain
Some believe the brain is the most erotic muscle; we say it’s the most dangerous… And we also say ‘yuck’ to anyone who thinks brains are erotic.
…You can’t out-fight it, you can’t outrun it, and your human weaponry is no match for its alien technology. But… you can out-think it! You best have paid attention in your GCSE science class (or Standard Grade, Scottish friends), 'cos your noggin is the only real defence you've got against an alien invasion.
There’s a dinner party joke among vampires about how they like their 'stakes rare'. Don’t be fooled; this faux-lightness harbours a secret terror at these wooden death-bringers. So wield with gusto and remember- you’re the chef and your stakes come bloody!
…You come across a slumbering ‘fanged one’. Perform a little amateur cardiology with your wooden spike and behold! The only thing the vamp will be biting... is dust (yes that's how Hammer trash talks).
5.The Words of Death (and an ancient Egyptian shroud)
WARNING: This is a recitation to bring down the resurrected mummy of Prem (from THE MUMMY'S SHROUD). For those looking to escape the clutch of the mummy Kharis (from THE MUMMY), you need a woman who looks like -
… You’ve mistakenly disturbed the tomb of an ancient Egyptian king, and now his right-hand walking potty-rag is hunting you and your buddies down. Whip out the shroud, speak the words of death- Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt, and Mummy's a pile of smelly dirt.
Whether it’s turning a vampire to ash or a werewolf to man, daylight is the most reliable ally of the fiend-vanquisher. Also good for killing an after-party or growing a peace lily.
… You’ve exhausted all other options. Your holy water’s spent, your cross is broken in two, and your silver bullets are nestled in the wall or whistling awry through the countryside. But dawn is approaching... The answer? Get your foe outside, or bring the outside in; you'll see there's a reason demonic minions aren't known for their bronze tans.
7. Circle of Protection
Good to defend against biblical evils and black magic practitioners, a protective circle is a simple tool to ward off the forces of darkness... or to show your friends you’ve gone ‘alternative’.
…You’ve disrupted a ritual sacrifice and now there’s a satanic cult hot on your tail. Find some chalk and a safe location to draw up a circle of protection quick, or it’ll be your outline being chalked out on the ground.
8. Mad Kung-Fu skills
Be warned- though always cool, these skills won’t work on all the minions of ill-will, so choose your battles!
…You’re thinking of a gap year Far East, but can’t afford to insure yourself against martial-arts-practising-vampire-surprise-attacks. Just book yourself into a beginners’ judo class and turn your poor excuse for a body into a vampire-slaying WMD!
While a mirror won’t deal the killing blow itself, having one of these handy devices in your back pocket will help you know what you're up against. (Or you can just use it to watch yourself in kill mode- so cool)
a)…You suspect your buddy’s been bitten by the old V- -V (<<< they're fangs, FYinformation). Whip out a mirror quick- if you can’t see their reflection, unfriend them ASAP.
b)…You’re worried a gorgon is stalking you home from the tube. Consult your mirror when looking behind you / around corners- the reflection will deflect a gorgon's gaze, stopping you from becoming an instant work of art.
Good for reptilian beasts, zombie cults, lumbering humanoid monsters and marshmallows.
Use it when…
…Your handheld arsenal runs dry. Let out your inner pyromaniac by burning down a fiendish enemy, or at least the building they're hiding in. Collateral damage? Bite me… actually don’t. No please!!